I have been struggling for almost two weeks now with my diet. I LOVE to eat. As I've mentioned I really enjoy both healthy AND unhealthy food. I also know that I am an "all or nothing" kind of person. Once I start eating junk I just don't stop. I become obsessed with the next junk food. For two weeks I worked out like crazy and then ruined it with bad eating. This week has been a disaster. Circumstances beyond my control have led me to not be able to work out as much. I'm still eating terribly. And today I felt awful in my own skin. I feel fat. I feel like doing nothing. I realized tonight that I have watched more TV in the last week than I watched for the entire month of June! This is not good.
I'm pretty unhappy and I think it's mostly because I am not living the way that I want to live. I am not being the person that I know I really am.
Tonight I did a really tough workout with a friend. I felt both incredibly strong and miserably weak at various points of the workout. All of these emotions started hitting me. I started thinking, "THIS is who I am." The real me is a strong woman who loves to push herself to new levels in the gym and reach new goals. The real me puts on her jeans and feels GREAT! The real me keeps needing to get new jeans in smaller sizes because she has a goal and she is focused! I really want to get back to the real me. It's time to stop eating the crap. I'm ready to get out of this vicious cycle of eating.
I had a mini-breakthrough on Sunday that I have been trying to work through all week. It's not pretty. But I need to just say it out loud. Maybe then I can let it go. Sometimes, a lot of the times, when I eat bad I am in a moment of sadness, anger, frustration, dissappointment, or abandonment and this panic comes over me. In that moment I am in such an ugly place of dispair and all I want is something good. Something that for that moment will make me feel good. Food is what I turn to. I know that ultimately the foods I grab are bad for me but in that moment, they taste good and I can focus on that for a second and escape my feelings. It's a pretty ugly thing. I have tons of friends who say, "Call me!" but that doesn't help in the moment. If I call you then I will have to talk about it and at that moment I don't want to talk about it. I want to escape it. Being practical or logical doesn't help either. In the moment there is no such thing as logical or practical.
Ultimately, this is a great sin that I am battling. My trust MUST be in the Lord. In those moments of despair it is Him that I should be turning to. It's so obvious but that reality has just occured to me. So maybe that is where I need to start. I CAN do ALL THINGS through CHRIST who STRENGTHENS me.
There . . . I said it. I don't feel better yet . . . :-) But that is okay. One day, one moment at a time.
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Mini-break through? I think that is a major break through. Yes, run into the arms of God. He will always be there for you, and His love in unconditional. I know for me sometimes, in my weakness I struggle with tuning in to God. Maybe think of a tangible way to feel the presence of God. Do you enjoy Christian music? When I run and listen to Third Day or Tody Mac, God speaks to me through their music. I hope this doesn't come off like I have it all together, so not the case. Just sharing something that has been useful to me.
ReplyDeleteYes, Tami. that and we have great Catholic radio here as well. Also, I think I come off like such a little brat. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. SO MANY blessings. I get caught up in little things that don't really nmatter and let them overwhelm me.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time, one meal at a time . . .