Tough Night

Some days are just hard. Today started at 6:30 a.m. and didn't wrap up until 9:00 p.m. Getting kids to school and meds delivered and trying to get a swim in and pick kids up and doctor appointments and school spring music shows and feeding people and putting people to bed. And millions of us moms do this every day. Today was tough, though. And when things get tough I EAT. It makes me feel better for a few minutes. And then it makes me feel like crap. So I'm trying not to do that anymore. So all of this normal craziness that millions of moms deal with seems a billion times harder because I'm NOT eating it. I know it won't make me feel better but I so want to feel better. Does that even make any sense. Here's a horrible little secret. I am a needy lady who feeds off of affirmations. And when I get the opposite I fall HARD. I have a hard time moving on and letting go when people hurt me. And oh how they have hurt me this week with their words. And by not believing in me and not defending me. Some have. I might not have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are AWESOME. So why do I get all wrapped up in the people who are NOT good friends? Why can't I just say, "Screw them" and move on? Rejection hurts. My whole life, one person or another has made me feel worthless and not good enough. As a kid I was rejected for not being cool and for being "fat", which I wasn't (until I allowed myself to become so in high school and even then I wasn't "fat"), in high school I was rejected for being poor and not having cool clothes and for being "fat" and shy and not very smart. In college I was rejected for being at the top of my class (love THAT irony). Then I was rejected by my colleagues as a teacher for being too over the top, going to far above and beyond (more beautiful irony). Constant rejection. So here I am, 34 years old trying to convince myself that I AM worth something. It's hard to reverse 34 years of garbage and it doesn't help to get stomped on on a daily basis.

This girl is T.I.R.E.D. This morning I got to the gym early and ran my 4 miles (46 minutes) and then participated in the FWSW workout (aka step class from hell with Amber). It is amazing how even the most basic routine can work you so hard! It was so inspirational to see these new contestants experiencing their first workout with Amber. They are very hard. I think this class is where your head comes into play. You can see them starting to chant "I can't" in their heads. But they CAN! And 15 weeks from now they will know that without a doubt! I love being their to encourage and support them. And THEN there is season three. The past two days I have watched them do these workouts that were so incredibly hard for them a year ago. And now they are so strong and with it and LEADING! It actually brought me to tears a couple times. They have changed their lives forever and I just feel so proud of them! At the end of the workout I was once again overcome by such gratitude to be a part of all of this. Talking to the camera guy on the way out I said, "It's like when I am here I am the best version of myself!" And I mean that. I love who I am when I am there. At Spiece it doesn't matter that I am 60#'s overweight. At Spiece my failures and missteps melt away. At Spiece I am a healthy, active, focused woman! Anything is possible, people! And I can't WAIT to see what is next!

Let's Get it Started!

Did my 5 mile run on Sunday. I actually did 5.4, in about 65-70 minutes. It started out great. We were on a park path, 1.8 miles around. After the first lap I felt awesome. I was even thinking, is this really 1.8? It's too easy! Well, at 3.5 miles my ipod died. BAD NEWS. My feat were already starting to hurt a bit. With no music it was all I could think about. So my last two miles were pretty grewling. I felt bummed about my time at first, thinking I did 5 miles in that time. But given the distractions I think it is pretty good! I walked a bit to get back to my car, my toes stopped cramping, and I was good to go. This weekend: SIX MILES! yikes! Season 4 of Fort Wayne's Smallest Winner (FWSW) has officially begun! Orientation was this Sunday and the first workout was today. It was so fun! I loved being back with so many season 3 people. They have such a fabulous energy! I am really looking forward to this 15 weeks. And the new contestants did so well! The first week is always so challenging and they were troopers today! I am looking forward to getting to know them.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Good: I ran my three miles in *32* minutes yesterday! It felt SO incredibly good! this day was incredibly buys and but I managed. That's five days in a row sticking to my eating and exercise plan!

The Bad: I was a total wimp on the stationary bike at the gym today. They used to have a spin bike back there, which is VERY DIFFERENT from a regular bike. Anyway, me knees were hurting so I just pedaled along. I did work up a sweat and did 10 miles.

The Ugly: I lost it with Charlie today and totally let him get to me. He is so absolutely aweful sometimes. I ate a huge plate of leftover pasta with shrimp. Now I am stuffed and still honked off at Charlie.

I know, I know . . . move on.

5 mile run tomorrow! Looking forward to it!

Footlose and Fancy-Free

Did my four mile run last night at the Y. 4 miles in 47 minutes. I feel VERY good about that. And . . . my legs only hurt for moments at the beginning. By the end of the first mile I found my grove and it was a GREAT run! I even could have kept going, given more time!
I felt this way about 2 months ago when I got to this four mile point. Then I stopped running for two weeks and had to start over. Not this time!

Cross-training

Tuesday morning I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my legs felt pretty good. Almost no pain. I went to a spinning class Tuesday evening. Oh MAN did I push myself! It was so tough but it felt so GOOD! No other place motivates me like Spiece! Every time I get to go there it just pumps me up!
Today my legs are sore, but in a good way. I am supposed to run 4 miles today. I think I'm going to go this afternoon around 4:30. I just keep telling myself I can do it! Trying to push out the thoughts and feelings that say I can't. It's rainy and cold today. 44 laps around the track. oi vey! (do you like my French?!)

Running

This week I officially began my training for the Chicago Marathon on October 9, 2011. That's right folks, 26.2 miles. At this moment, I'm not sure what I was thinking. 26.2 miles. Fort Wayne is closer than that. In 7 months I am going to RUN to Fort Wayne.

Along the way I plan to do some little runs, 5K's, 10K's, to keep me moving. In addition, I have secured a registration in the Inidanapolis mini marathon, which is a mere 13.1 miles. I'll also be helping with the Fort Wayne's Smallest Winner mini marathon in late June/early July. gulp.

I keep thinking about my painstaking 3 mile "run" last night. Every step hurt. But I have to admit that this morning I am feeling pretty good! Only minor pain in the calf/shin area. It makes me think that "maybe" I CAN do this . . .

One thing is for sure. the tide has shifted. For the last four months I have run off and on by choice. At this point it is a neccesity, NOT a choice. If I do not continue to run consistently and increase my distance I litterally WON'T be able to do it. The Indy mini is well timed. Just 6 1/2 weeks to train means there is no time to screw around. And once that is done July will be around the corner. And from there, Chicago will be in sight. And DOABLE!

So after a loooooooong absence, i am BACK!