Tough Night

Some days are just hard. Today started at 6:30 a.m. and didn't wrap up until 9:00 p.m. Getting kids to school and meds delivered and trying to get a swim in and pick kids up and doctor appointments and school spring music shows and feeding people and putting people to bed. And millions of us moms do this every day. Today was tough, though. And when things get tough I EAT. It makes me feel better for a few minutes. And then it makes me feel like crap. So I'm trying not to do that anymore. So all of this normal craziness that millions of moms deal with seems a billion times harder because I'm NOT eating it. I know it won't make me feel better but I so want to feel better. Does that even make any sense. Here's a horrible little secret. I am a needy lady who feeds off of affirmations. And when I get the opposite I fall HARD. I have a hard time moving on and letting go when people hurt me. And oh how they have hurt me this week with their words. And by not believing in me and not defending me. Some have. I might not have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are AWESOME. So why do I get all wrapped up in the people who are NOT good friends? Why can't I just say, "Screw them" and move on? Rejection hurts. My whole life, one person or another has made me feel worthless and not good enough. As a kid I was rejected for not being cool and for being "fat", which I wasn't (until I allowed myself to become so in high school and even then I wasn't "fat"), in high school I was rejected for being poor and not having cool clothes and for being "fat" and shy and not very smart. In college I was rejected for being at the top of my class (love THAT irony). Then I was rejected by my colleagues as a teacher for being too over the top, going to far above and beyond (more beautiful irony). Constant rejection. So here I am, 34 years old trying to convince myself that I AM worth something. It's hard to reverse 34 years of garbage and it doesn't help to get stomped on on a daily basis.